Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Afraid of the happy ending?

Last December I had a long conversation about God in a café. A total stranger told me how he had found God and religion. I've written of that talk before, so I won't repeat my words. It's just that today I remembered how I asked him that what if you're afraid to find God. "Oh, I was terrified", he answered.

Cause today I'm the one who's terrified. This time God isn't involved though, not that I know. But recently, for the first time in my life, I've truly realized what I wanna do. With my life, you know. What I wanna be when I grow up. What I would like to do as my profession, but at least as a very serious hobby, if being a professional isn't possible.

Why am I terrified then, you might ask. Well, now when I know, I have to do everything I can to reach my dream. Cause otherwise, if I won't try my best, I can't be happy with myself. And this is a problem cause I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid I don't have what it takes. I'm afraid it's going to be too hard. I'm afraid hard work is going to kill my passion. I'm afraid that ten years from now, when I've given all I could, I one day just realize I was wrong. That this really wasn't what I wanted, I just imagined so.

I also am afraid cause I know I can't let my fears stop me. I can try now, and be disappointed if it doesn't work after all. Or, I can never try and be disappointed cause I will ever know if that really would have been my path. I'm that kind of person who picks the option one, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't be terrified to leave my comfort zone.

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